Voice

For me, suppressing feelings can be toxic to our heart, while expressing them heals the heartache. Hence, I don't bottle up my feelings or thoughts for long, especially if they are negative. I consider myself to be expressive, at least most of the time.

There are days where, all of a sudden, every negative experience we've ever gone through, pile up on top of our head while our heart feels as if it is squeezed by an inner force. I channel such a storm of negativity by writing it in a diary/posting it as stories, crying my eyeballs out and opening up to a loved one. Amongst all the channels, crying is my favourite healer. It is as if the tears are washing off the uncomfortable emotions to create a space for positivity to fill in.

At other times, negative feelings branch from a conflict with another person. It could be that the person offends me emotionally or intellectually (i.e. different opinions). I can also have a conflict with a person without the person knowing about it. I usually end up confronting, sooner or later (due to my expressiveness). Yet, confronting isn't really a straightforward process.

•      I find the need to handpick my words.

•        I find the need to put a filter between my heart and my tongue.

•      I find the need to press the “pause” button before confronting so  that the emotions subside and rationality drives my words. (An intellectual disagreement can end up being emotional, too. Watch the parliament debate.)

Why is it that I find the need for all these acts? Because I wish to portray only what I wish to convey, although I know it is impossible to attain a perfect score on this. The whole confronting process has many twists and turns. At times, my words are being portrayed as disrespectful by some, although lack of respect is definitely not what I intend to convey.

I wonder:

1.     Is it a societal problem, that until you're asked to speak, your voice is not appreciated;
2.     Should I shout until the world listens, until voicing out is no longer a sign of rudeness but an indicator of a healthy emotional state?
3.     Is it that we desperately want to be portrayed as righteous up to the point that when something went wrong, we blindly blame simply anyone but ourselves?
4.   Should I implement silence? 

Question number 3 is vital and should come first. I let it comes next because naturally, that’s how things work inside our mind: We blame others first.

… Is it that we desperately want to be portrayed as righteous up to the point that when something went wrong, we blindly blame simply anyone but ourselves?

We should develop another layer of reflection on this question, though. I often ask myself:

Is there something wrong with the way I've conveyed the message?

Not that I haven't think of these before voicing out, but I find the need to reflect again just in case there were remnants of emotions which managed to overshadow my intended message. The art of confronting is still a work in progress for me. Hence, at times, the reflection stops here as I realized that it's my way of confronting that had gone wrong (or that the truth is bitter, hence the response is equally bitter).

The answer is sometimes simple, that miscommunication happens, that we could make another attempt to confront. Our problem is that if we are unaware that for a disagreement to resolve, every individual involved has to actively reflect. 

We want to blame, but we ourselves aren't ready to take the blame. 

It could be that we are right, that the other person is wrong. But this does not imply that we are 100% right. Although we're the rightest right one could ever imagine, things might not be portrayed the way it should be, simply because of the wrong way of confronting. 

It doesn't matter who's “wronger”, what matters is whether we're actively working on our "wrong part".

… Should I implement silence?

I think we also need to ask ourselves:

Is it a matter that requires confrontation?Would it be "right" to talk on this?Am I really “right”?

I admit that I rarely ask myself these questions. I can be wrong at times, too, which explains why I’m offended when the “right thing” is said. 

At times, what offends us portrays our own rigidity.

Some issues are not worth being offended of. Sometimes, what we take as offensive acts, words or tones, are either not supposed to be offensive or not offensive enough to be an issue. 

The world is not always black and white, there is grey as well. 

In “grey” cases, differences should not be offensive. Still, I won't say that silence is the absolute right for “grey” cases although it is not really wrong. Instead of being silent, we can share our thoughts/feelings in a non-affirmative/non-accusing manner. It depends on the situation; on whether our words may benefit the situation we are in and whether our words are necessary. 

It is important to be moderate at this stage of decision-making so that we would neither overlook the value of our thoughts/feelings, nor exaggerate our “righteousness”.

I usually choose to be silent when I feel that the person with whom I'm having conflict cannot handle confrontation without turning it into a fierce fight (based on previous experience). Getting into fights is emotionally exhausting and, in the end, it’s not even rewarding.

Hence, unless there is a clear, emotionally/mentally-satisfying outcome which could be expected as a result of a successful confrontation, I would go for silence.

… Is it a societal problem, that until you're asked to speak, your voice is not appreciated?

I have no right or knowledge to deduce that our society is definitely against those who voice out unless I’ve met and confronted with the whole population. Until then, I believe that each problem that we face with different people should be tackled in a bottom-up approach. If we assume that we're just against another person who is affected by the so-called societal disease, if we already expect a negative outcome before confronting, then it might be that our assumptions had poisoned the confrontation.

Go for bottom-up, and never top-down.

… Should I shout until the world listens, until voicing out is no longer a sign of rudeness but an indicator of a healthy emotional state?

Sure. 

But to think before speak, to think while speaking and to think after we spoke are equally essential.

Emotions should never blind our rationality, or else, this whole voicing out is never going to be an indicator of a healthy emotional state.

On a side note: The more I write on this, the more I discover what I’m lacking. Hence, this post is for you, but first, it is for me, who might require it the most.

Till next time.

Sabrina