(Raw) Expectations

Heart: It's funny how some of your closest "friends" claim that they'll be there for you to open up. And when you finally loosen up to give a hint on your internal struggles, they simply dismiss it by telling you in advance that work life is much harder, or that you need to hang out with people ...yada yada (note that I haven't even start to tell anything) or worst, leave you at seen. And then again, they tell you that it's unhealthy to keep it all inside. Trust me, brain, I'm no longer offended. 

Brain: Well, Sabrina. You don't ask for their wellbeing, either. You just assume them to be in good hands, based on their social media. 

Heart: Well, well, I'm not that thick. People say social media only shows the best sides of a person so sometimes I do think of asking them about their life and stuff. You know, not just "what's up". I want deeper conversations. Heart-to-heart. But then, I can see how they have others who can listen, and give better advices, who are on the same page and wavelength. What difference can I bring? I'm no longer relevant.

Brain: Sabby, how bitter you were and still are. You might even be wrong and selfish. Sab hang tak initiate pun! Lepastu dok harap orang mai sendiri. Saja la tu, nak rasa special.

Heart: Hm, betui jugak. I can't deny that. But I think I know why. I can peel the onion of reasons for you.

Brain: Okay, do it.

Heart: Okay, so the thing is, I'm too attached to my past. I'm too embarrassed with the person I was. I used to be the one who initiates a conversation. The one who start the friendship. The one who expresses the love, care and whatever, first.

*reminiscing*

Brain: Wait, wait flash backs? Which tape do you want me to play?

Heart: That flower boy. My highschool "sweetheart"

Brain: Ahh not again....

Heart: ...You should witness how I was with my highschool sweet heart. You weren't there, brain.

Brain: I was there, you just switched off the frontal lobe. That's why you remember so much about him, but reason so little.

Heart: I didn't switched off the frontal lobe. The Disney girl did. So see, sometimes I wish I could wipe me out of his memories. Perigi cari timba LOL. I bet that's how he remember me although he had approached me first. Not his fault. I bet he was being mediocre in his feelings while I was this extravagant Disney Princess.. 

Brain: He left you in the end. Good decision for your own wellbeing. He saved you from eternal stupidity.

Heart: As a token of appreciation, I've blocked him so that I don't remind him to that Disney Sabrina he had befriended during school days. Guy must living a good life now 😂. Never mind, let's leave that man in peace, he's not the only one anyways. These other people, the so-called dunia akhirat BFFs, each of them, turned their back to me in their own ways...

Brain: Or maybe they're just fine, really, maybe it's just you who'd expected too much. 

Heart: Yes, maybe. Because if I were at their place, I'll undoubtedly do what I've expected from them. But then.. I might be the one who push them away, actually. 

Brain: ....

Heart: Like, I was offended and I decided that I'm going to walk away, so that I don't bother them anymore. 

Brain: You do realize that it's quite dramatic, don't you?

Heart: Yes, but the thing about me is, I push people to see if they'll pull me. I mean, I'd been the person who always initiate, so I decided to switch sides and wait for people to initiate, instead, and pull me towards them.

Brain: Okay?

Heart: See, I just push those who I hope would pull me towards them. I don't push everyone away. That's crazy. Anyways, the funny thing is, I don't think they even notice that I pushed them away. 

Brain: That's very immature of you, isn't it? People grow up. They have more important stuff to do than to notice that you've gone far, or to actually do something about it even if they do notice. That doesn't mean that they're bad. They're just, preoccupied. 

Heart: So, I'm bad and unoccupied? See, actually, I'm no longer offended. I learnt that, well, it's okay. The thing you've said, Brain, about people growing up and stuff, is actually true. And it is starting to make sense to me day by day. I guess, I too am growing up. I mean, growing up is the only way to make sense of the complexity of growth, isn't it?

Brain: Okay, that should be in the list of the life quotes. *Bolding and adding colour to the line*

Heart: I find peace in not labelling anyone as my BFF. I find peace in not expecting anyone to do anything for me but to simply befriend me the way I am. It doesn't expose me to the probability of getting hurt, or rejected. At the same time, when people ask about my wellbeing randomly, or simply expressed their happiness because they're meeting me after long, I feel good. I start appreciating little things when I don't set what I want from my friends. It's like, if you set that you want to live in a castle, even a semi-D house is too small and insignificant. But when you just want to shelter yourself from the rain and sun, a hut is good enough.

Brain: You mean, you found gratitude?

Heart: In some ways, yes.

Brain: Yes, but?

Heart: I cannot do the same to those I've mistakenly took as my BFF, once upon a time. I distance myself from these people. It's actually like some way to free myself from expectations.

Brain: I can't rationalize that

Heart: Yes, but I just feel like it is the right thing to do for now. I just feel like this is safe.

Brain: Maybe you're distancing yourself out of embarassment? You're obviously too resentful to that poor disney Sabrina, and whoever who had seen that side of yours, you just wish they haven't seen it. You are desperate to show that you're a changed person, now. That you're no longer Disney. That's why you're acting like you don't bother. 

Heart: Yes, like the wiping out me of their memory and re-introduce myself would be good. I wish I could just obliviate these people.

Brain: Sabby, you just wrote a mental note that you want to create a new DisneyLife profile so that you can have another 7-days of free trial to watch Tangled the series.

Heart: Your point?

Brain: You're still that extravagant Disney girl deep down. And by being resentful to this side of yours, you're actually hating a part of you. The expressive, loving and caring...

Heart: ...And stupid. Disney girl switches off the frontal lobe, BRAINNN!!

Brain: Sometimes, you just need to feel the right way to do things. It's not always about thinking.

Heart: Now you're being Disney.

Brain: Damn, Disney girl hijacked me. Where were I? OH YES. Forgive yourself. You're growing up, yes. But you're not growing out of your past, yet. You're learning new things, but you're not letting go of some stuff that you have to let go, in order to make some space for more things which matter more than regrets. Disney girl made some mistakes, yes. You did, too. And I did, too. But she's not all bad. You're not all bad. And I'm a pretty decent brain, too. 

Heart: First class degree, then.

Brain: Maybe, if you can stop procrastinating?

Heart: After our conversation, okay? You continue.

Brain: Forgive the Disney girl. You're burying her deep down, you want to wipe her out. Not just from these people who've seen this side of you, but also from yourself. The thing is, the more effort you make to forget, the more you remember. Just, take it easy.

Heart: What a shame that I can't obliviate people.

Brain: You won't learn if you can just wipe out the undesirable memories. Everything happen for a reason, sometimes for REASONS. And most of the events which carry true lessons in our life are undesired at first. If you are able to wipe it out at that moment, you won't feel pain. Pain motivates you to reflect on the event, and learn. If obliviating is possible, there's no necessity for undesirable stuff to happen at the first place. You'll just be born with everything you need to know, pre-programmed in you. I don't know what you'll be doing in such a pre-programmed mode, but you'll definitely not going to be alive. To live is to learn. To learn is to live.

Heart: Mm kay. *Writes down* "Forgive. Live..."

Brain: ...And love.