(Raw) Enough

I guess the final semester is suffocating not really because of the workload...

Heart: Okay, academic first. My marks have been fairly okay that I can push a bit harder and earn myself a first class degree.

Brain: But, am I doing it right in terms of the effort put? What if more effort is needed? 

Heart: What if this is what I can afford for now? What if I say, this is my working style? I work best under the pressure of deadlines....

Brain: ...Is it....inefficient?

Heart: Maybe I need to be more consistent? I don't really have other driving motivations as strong as the deadlines to keep me productive.

Brain: Maybe if I'm not so perfectionist, I can spend the day doing various activities from fun things to academic stuff to walking, IDK. 

Heart: I'm so obsessed with spending the entire day to only one thing. For example if I start the day with Harry Potter..

Brain:...I end it with Harry Potter. *Sigh*

Heart: ...And throughout the day?

Brain:...with Harry Potter. Damn, this perfectionism. Is it curable? Can I reduce its severity? How am I going to get a first class and balance my life with a little of everything? Wholerounded individual, perfectly functioning, readily employable, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually balanced....

Heart: Mm, second upper should be good enough, too? 

Brain: Or no? Who am I trying to impress with a first class? 

Heart: Myself? To prove that at least there's something I can really ace in?

Brain: What if my best is not the best? Does that mean I'm not good enough, or I should push harder? 

Heart: Or is it okay? InshaAllah my results are going to be okay even if I don't end up with a first class..

Brain: Although the synoptic exam worries me. How am I going to study for that paper?

Heart: It's okay, that's on May. Maayyybee I can figure it out later....

Brain: And then? After degree? Career. Job-hunting. 

Heart: Well, because degree isn't everything, and if you are an introverted person with good marks, you're automatically a nerd who isn't ready for the world.

Brain: So I need to make my CV colourful. Oh no, are these skills enough? Are these experiences enough? Am I employable? But other people did internships or summer volunteering, I didn't. 

Heart: I spent my summer with my family. I was happy, is that bad? 

Brain: Who cares about what makes me happy? Do I need to be more social, to be more employable?

Heart: What if socializing doesn't really come easy to me as it comes to some other people? Is it my fault that introversion isn't quite, employable?

Brain: If I attempt too hard, to look more well connected than I am, am I being myself?

Heart: Does it even matter? To be yourself? Or you just need to be employable, at the risk of your inner peace?

Brain: Who cares about inner peace? I need money. Wait, maybe I should attempt to be more well-connected.

Heart: How? In that sense, I'll have to intentionally approach people for their social status and positions, those who are more likely to recommend a good job. And then, I need to look smart and well-equipped. I need to look as if I know enough of what he/she thinks as important to be employable. 

Brain: Maybe that's how work-life works?

Heart: How do I do that? I'm used to approach whoever who I want to talk to simply because I like them and I think I can learn something from them....

Brain: That's cute but irrelevant. Okay, so I can approach these influential people with this learning intention? Like approaching a teacher?

Heart: Yes, but...it's obvious that I'll find the need to be impressive. It's different with the teachers because I only expect knowledge and understanding from them. But with these influential people, I'm expecting knowledge and job, so....

Brain: I need to be comfortable in being a bit of a show-off when it comes to finding a job anyways. Can't be too humble.

Heart: I mean that might be okay in interview but...that well-connected stuff. Attending networking session, and...

Brain: Show that you're interested in what they're doing...

Heart: But, they're always surrounded with louder people. I often end up being a passive listener unless it's a one-to-one. Is it bad?

Brain: I know right...Yes actually, the trick is to be noticed. I need to be...noticeably curious. I must...draw some attention to myself. SEE MY LEVEL, INFLUENTIAL PIPEL.

Heart: And that's what I'm bad at. Even my voice isn't audible across the classroom. Mr Shaik said if I have 9 children, I'll be in trouble to control them because they can't hear me. Even Ms Annie during school days said that my 3 children would not be able to hear me. I'm proud that my teachers look at me as a motherly figure..

Brain: A more feasible solution is to do family planning so that you don't have 9 children that you need to shout to and put under control. 3 is fine. Why 9, though?

Heart: As an indication of many? MAYBE Mr Shaik has 9 siblings including himself.. The house would be so lively, right...with 9 plus the father, 10 and myself 11, a football team....

Brain: ..So back to the topic..

Heart: I don't like being noticed. Multiple pairs of eyes on me....so intimidating. But I have to...

Brain: ..or nobody's going to employ me.

Haih.

Should I start job-hunting now?

Brain: There's this thing about Mandarin speaking applicants only...

Heart: Study Mandarin? Registered for that course. Haven't start a thing.

Brain: ..and general knowledge. Understand more about politics and economics okay okay...

Heart: Registered for that course, too. Haven't start a thing. How much I need to know to be considered enough, though?

Brain: ...and volunteer more...

Heart: Okay that's fun, depending on the job scope...and the people

Brain: ..and work part-time. Apply for NI. More money..

Heart: Tomorrow.

Brain: Is it too late already to apply for good and fulfilling job?

Heart: I don't know..maybe we can try. I mean, who cares about the salary. As long as the job is fulfilling to the soul..

Brain: What's this degree for, if the job doesn't even require the skills and knowledge earned with the internal and external struggles which almost cost my sanity? What's this degree for, if the salary isn't worth my investment and my sacrifices? 

Heart: I haven't finished this sail yet, so my sanity is still at risk. Overseas, somemore. Even my tummy is at risk. My tekok miss street foods and mummy's cooking. 

Brain: And then, if the uncles and aunties ask why study neuroscience to work as <fill in the blanks something unrelated to science>, what am I going to answer?

Heart: If I'm happy with any job that's fulfilling to the soul, isn't that good enough? If I could benefit the society in my own little ways, and make my family happy with my small contribution, isn't that sufficient? I studied neuroscience out of interest, anyways. 

Brain: WHAT IF I'M NOT EMPLOYABLE? AM I PREPARED FOR NUMEROUS REJECTIONS?

Heart: What if I just focus on tomorrow's exam, yes yes. I'll think about other things, later....

Brain: What if later is too late? 

....What if, I'm too ordinary? 

Heart: World is such a deceitful creation. It makes us worry about temperamental issues, and overlooks the more important things. It makes us define our worth, based on what others think are worthy. And the thing about the world is, we are never going to be good enough for as long as there are better people. It's an endless trap. It's illusionary. It's greedy

Brain: Except that, I'm living on this illusionary world. Like in a dream while I'm fast asleep, I need to play along..

Heart: ..Without getting too attached.

Brain: That's tricky.